Physical Self-Esteem

My mother is very, very biased towards boys in general. Though it's not like she neglects me or marginalises me, it is painfully evident that she is partial towards my brother.

Today is my brother's 14th birthday and for some illogical reason, my dad insisted on celebrating at midnight. I was rushing a GP essay last night and had only gotten 3 hours of sleep, so my dark eye circles are absolutely hideous. I refused to be in any photos and so I took on the role of the photographer instead. 

Afterwards when my mom was looking through all the photos that I took with her phone, she kept saying how handsome my brother will surely grow to be a ladykiller etc etc. She said, quote, "the poor ladies!"

I really don't mind her gushing about my brother but the thing is... She won't even say that I'm pretty. All she says is "you're so cute!" when I make some kind of stupid mistakes. Every time someone in church tells her that they think I'm pretty, she'll immediately report to me when she reaches home and at the end of her take there's always something along the lines of "they're over exaggerating" or "they are trying too hard to suck up". Not direct words, but the meaning is there. 

Well she is the pastor's wife so it is true that there will always be butt-kissers that will try to suck up to her, and often when they run out of compliments they'll start complimenting her children, which in this case is me. 

I take after my mother in both looks and character department. However I am much more vocal than my mother and will not take shit from people that I actually care about and want to maintain a relationship with. (If you try to take advantage of me and I don't do anything, it means that I don't think you're worth the effort to try and correct your values... And yes, I do know when I am being taking advantage of or belittled.)

She's always lumping me and her together, and she ain't got a high self-esteem. Result? Constant comments like

"We are not even pretty"

"We are not attractive"

All the while she just kept gushing about how devastatingly handsome my brother is going to turn out to be. 

Moreover my Dad seems to think that it's funny to tease me about my assumed physical unfitness (I did pass my NATFA ok). And he keeps teasing me about my weight. I am 155cm tall, weigh 45kg which is not, in any instance, FAT. But he seems to think otherwise because every single time he sees me eating something (oh, maybe it's my breakfast. I didn't know I can't eat breakfast. Oh, am I eating too much for lunch??? Dinner?? Dessert is the absolute fat sin???), he will starting calling me FAT. 

I really think that he started teasing me just for a little fun but as time goes by, he's started to believe that I am indeed fat. 

And you know what? Faced with all these criticisms coming from my family who was supposed to be my emotional support, I do think that I am FAT, SHORT, and UGLY. 

Imagine what it would do to a person born with little self-esteem if they even managed to change my opinion about myself. I am a self-righteous, stubborn and easily big-headed girl who was born with a healthy dose of self-esteem. Now look what happened. 

Oh don't worry. I'm not the type to go on deathly diets or become anorexic or anything because I do believe that there are genuine souls out there who can accept me for all that I am. My physical body isn't suffering due to harsh words; my confidence is. 

Just food for thought on how your words can and will affect he people around you. A little compliment once in a while goes a long way, trust me. 

Good night! :)